101 Things

1. I desperately want to go to a Cubs game at Wrigley Field.
2. I have a rock collection.
3. I hate airplanes.
4. My kids have complained that I take too many pictures of them.
5. My library card is used often. I’m usually reading 3-4 books at any given time.
6. My heart is broken every year by the Utah Jazz.
7. I’ve met George Bush (the old one) and Gordon B. Hinckley.
8. Our shih tzu is morbidly obese.
9. Almost all politicians make my blood boil.
10. Church makes me sleepy.
11. I enjoy Letterman, Survivor, and The Office.
12. I am proud of being frugal and thrifty.
13. I’ve never met a kind of candy I didn’t like.
14. Except for the color, my hair resembles a Chia Pet.
15. My car traps odors. You can smell a Big Mac for a week.
16. I have a sweet tooth that would put Willy Wonka to shame.
17. I have never seen any Star Wars, Rocky, or Harry Potter movies.
18. I think the name “Herb” is funny. I wouldn’t mind having that as my nickname.
19. The scent of seafood makes me want to upchuck.
20. While I respect their abilities, I don’t enjoy music by Celine Dion, Whitney Houston, Pat Benetar, Gloria Estefan, or Santana.
21. Dentists were created by the devil.
22. I have no doubt that I could eat my weight in pumpkin pie.
23. We bought three planter boxes and planted basil and cilantro.
24. I would love to be the director of a Gospel choir in the Deep South. Not that I can sing. Nor have I ever directed a choir.
25. Once I sprained my ankle and instinctively said words I shouldn’t have said in front of people I shouldn’t have said them.
26. Is it a requirement for figure skaters to wear sequins? How depressing. If I’m ever having a bad day at work, I will remind myself “At least you don’t have to wear sequins.”
27. Sometimes life seems like a quest to feel needed and appreciated.
28. I wish my car had sirens I could turn on when someone is driving really slow in the fast lane.
29. My children can recite lines from Napoleon Dynamite.
30. I can recite lines from Napoleon Dynamite.
31. One of my biggest fears is getting old.
32. I married a patient, forgiving, selfless, compassionate person.
33. I have a firm belief that Cream of Mushroom Soup is over-used in the culinary world which is a shame because it’s pretty yucky.
34. I haven’t ever tried alcohol, cigarettes, or heroin.
35. I am very picky when it comes to buying shoes.
36. I have never, and will never own a cat.
37. I like to listen to ESPN Radio on my way to work.
38. I can be bribed to do anything with cupcakes.
39. My wife often forgets to change the lint trap on the clothes dryer. So when I change it, it looks like a kitchen rug.
40. OneRepublic makes some incredible music.
41. I take a daily multi-vitamin, Glucosamine, a baby Aspirin, and fish oil capsules.
42. I’m trying to be like Jesus. Sometimes the closest I get is owning a pair of sandles.
43. Now that I have run a marathon, I believe I can accomplish anything I put my mind to.
44. I am stubborn.
45. When I was younger, my brother and I would sneak out of the house at night, ride our bikes to the grocery store, and buy ice cream.
46. I get predictably grumpy when I am tired.
47. The temperature in my office varies between Sauna and Meat Locker. I prefer Meat Locker.
48. When I die, I don’t want to have a funeral. I want everyone to have a party and have fun and laugh and eat lots of junk food. And possibly hire a stand-up comedian for one of the speakers.
49. I learned from experience that my car isn’t built to drive up snow-covered hills.
50. I kind of like the Buttered Popcorn flavored Jelly Belly Beans.
51. I think my wife Melanie is a babe.
52. With my life, I am much more interested in quality than quantity.
53. A mouse lost it’s life in my desk drawer at work. It was grrrrrrross.
54. I like to surround myself with people who have a good sense of humor and don’t take things too seriously.
55. I feel guilty when I drink regular soda instead of diet.
56. I have never broken a bone.
57. My brother and sister are ambitious.
58. I wish I could play the cello. I’d listen to myself all day and never leave the house.
59. I wish I could make rolls as good as elementary school cafeterias.
60. I have LOTS of female in-laws that live close by. There is nothing worse than hearing about certain times of the month.
61. I am an eternal optimist.
62. I once got my mouth washed out with soap for calling my brother stupid.
63. I’m sorry I called you stupid. You are much, much smarter than me.
64. Note to self: Ivory Soap doesn’t taste nearly as good as it smells.
65. I am a photography nerd.
66. Among the phone numbers I have saved in my phone: Domino’s Pizza, Café Rio, and the Piano Gallery.
67. My chemistry teacher in high school drank more Mountain Dew than should be legal for a human being to consume.
68. The people I work with are very, very smart.
69. Kids + pouring a gallon of milk on cereal = recipe for disaster.
70. Mel wishes I didn’t buy some of my clothes at the DI.
71. A rain storm is the best smell in the whole world.
72. I admire people who are humble, thankful, giving, and appreciative.
73. Banana bread, pumpkin pie shakes, and toffee are scrumptious.
74. I am positive that I was a first grade teacher in my past life. I LOVE going to help at the elementary school.
75. Our dog likes to tip over garbage cans and make a big mess of the garbage. He is lucky to be alive.
76. Sleep apnea makes me stop breathing a couple hundred times a night so I’ve slept with a CPAP for seven years. I loathe my CPAP.
77. Anyone with sleep apnea needs their spouse to make baked goods including cake and pie at least once per week.
78. As a kid, I liked Alf, Silver Spoons, The Wonder Years, Mr. Belvedere, Small Wonder, and Charles In Charge.
79. I survived two winters in Wyoming. (I’ll pause a moment and let you finish your applause.)
80. In my high school anatomy class we dissected a cat. A cat!
81. Running is contagious.
82. I nearly needed a clean pair of britches a few years ago during a particularly bumpy flight into St. George. If friends weren’t with me, I would have kissed the ground when we finally landed.
83. Without my contacts in, I am as blind as an NBA referee.
84. It bothers me when my girls listen to music from Mama Mia. This is the reason ear plugs were invented.
85. I have an in-law who likes to use the phrase “Quite frankly…” to begin many sentences. Quite frankly, it always brings a smile to my face.
86. My sassy and funny sister-in-law Rachel uses the phrase “Y’ain’t” which is always very funny. I’m going to try to use that in my vocabulary more often. “Kids – y’ain’t gonna get none of my Mike & Ike’s so stop asking!”
87. Why don’t children understand the concept of sleeping in?
88. My wife thrives on telling me gross things that she does while working as a nurse at the hospital.
89. I wouldn’t mind being Nacho Libre.
90. I eat four pieces of toast for breakfast on my way to work.
91. My knees often don’t cooperate.
92. Maybe it’s because I eat four pieces of toast everyday for breakfast.
93. I don’t understand the appeal of CSI, vampire movies, or Red Lobster.
94. Beagles have a loud, and very funny bark.
95. My memory leaves a lot to be desired.
96. Sometimes I have a problem with laughing during the prayer.
97. Getting a root canal is the next closest thing to being struck by lightning.
98. Mel’s family is so tight-knit that they sometimes discuss their bowel movements with each other.
99. I firmly believe that figure skating would be so much more enjoyable to watch if everyone wasn’t wearing sequins.
100. Honestly, what is the budget for sequins for the Winter Olympics? Every business has slow times and busy times. This is a busy time for sequin-makers.
101. I think if I let my hair grow out, it would look like I French-kissed a light socket.