Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Guilty Pleasures

I was reading some comments on a "running website" that brought an instant smile to my face. They were talking about guilty pleasures - the things we love to eat even though we really know we shouldn't. My guilty pleasures are:
  • Peanut butter cookies from Maverik.
  • Hostess crumb donuts.
  • Diet Mountain Dew
  • Pumpkin pie
  • Sugar Puffs / Frosted Flakes / Cocoa Pebbles
Usually I have a moderate degree of self-control. But if I had my choice, these are the only foods that would be on the food guide pyramid. Fruits and vegetables are for hippies.

The other comments I read were so funny. Jeff said: "Easter may not be good for the waist line. Fortunately Peeps are mostly air, right?"

Then Amy said "They are air....stick them in the microwave and watch 'em!! Not air = chocolate bars, pb/chocolate eggs" etc.

And Mike said "Had to have my wife talk me down from getting a Big Mac, and extra large fries on the way home from work tonight. I really, really, really, really(not enough really's here) wanted those fries."

Mike may be my long-lost twin.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

I Am Very Attractive

I believe I am VERY, VERY attractive. Not the kind of attractive where people of the opposite gender find me visually appealing. Not the kind of attractive where girls showed even a sliver of interest in middle school. Not the kind of attractive where women wonder if I enjoy candle-lit dinners and long walks on the beach. In fact, with my looks, it is possible that my wife had glaucoma while we were dating.

Nope, not physically attractive. I am very attractive to MOSQUITOES.

It is the one thing I dread about summer. I inevitably have numerous mosquito bites, which I may be allergic to, because they all swell up to the size of a 50 cent piece.

Yesterday on my arm I found 7 bites within a one-inch radius. SEVEN! This is completely unacceptable. My flesh does not appreciate this. I have no idea when this could have happened. Other than the marathon a week ago, I haven't really been outside. And I think even mosquitoes would have the decency to not bite someone who is in the middle of running 26 miles.

Wo is me. Such is the life of someone who is so attractive.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

An Unexpected Hood Ornament

Through the darkness I saw a pair of glowing yellow eyes on the side of the road. I was driving down the freeway at night on my way to Cedar City many years ago. A few minutes passed and then I saw another set of glowing eyes ahead. And then, a split second later a deer decided that he wanted to stand in front of my truck.

Sadly, for the deer, this was not the wisest place to stand. I don't understand the cognitive reasoning of deciding that it is a good idea to jump in front of a vehicle that is traveling 75 miles per hour. The deer was obviously a teenager to think it was a good idea to do something that is so obviously dumb.

This deer didn't have too long to think about his foolish decision though. Because pretty quickly he was splattered all over the front of my truck. I'm hoping this doesn't come as a complete surprise, but a deer carcass splattered all over the road and your car is not a pretty sight. In fact it's just downright disgusting.

It is frustrating that this deer decided to run in front of my truck. I've seen office furniture that has more intelligence than this deer. I would have appreciated if he had avoided becoming my hood ornament.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

We Ran A Marathon

Yesterday we ran the Park City Marathon, finishing in 6 hours and 1 minute. Even though it sounds crazy to me that we ran 26.2 miles, it seems just as crazy that we were running for 6 HOURS. Considering my body (with its terrible knees and frequent consumption of Mountain Dew and Hostess), this is truly a miracle.

To see all the pictures and read the marathon story, visit fastcory.blogspot.com.

"It's not like somebody else can run a marathon for you. It's all you out there. Finishing means you can say 'There's not a lot I can't do.'"
~ Kenneth Feld, Owner of Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

My Wife Went Crazy

I can't tell you exactly what made my wife go crazy. But for some reason all common sense went out the window.

There was a precise moment when I realized that she had lost her marbles. It was when she said to me "I think maybe I'd like to do a marathon."

You see, a few years ago I started running with a goal to complete a marathon. She thought I was positively crazy. She was very clear about the fact that she had absolutely no interest in that insanity. But then one night I walked in the bedroom and she was reading one of my Runner's World magazines. Hmmm. Peculiar.

Then, without an ounce of peer pressure, she said "Maybe I'll start running a little. But I will NEVER run a marathon. Never. I have absolutely no desire."

Somewhere along the line, her brain cells stopped functioning because she abandoned her strict anti-marathon point of view. I told her that if she really wanted to do one, I would run the whole thing with her and we could help each other make it through.

So after many miles and many months of preparation, Mel's first marathon is almost upon us. In 4 days we will be running the Park City Marathon, rumored to be the hardest marathon in Utah. To follow our journey with all the guts and glory, CLICK HERE.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Don't Mess With Me

A unique situation happened recently which I mentioned on my running blog. I'm deeply grateful I lived to tell about it.

One night Mel and I went on a casual bike ride. I was going down a hill on the side of the road minding my own business when a car pulled up behind me and laid on the horn. I thought it must be one of my friends being obnoxious. But after 10 seconds of honking I turned around to see this punk kid who then sped past me.

I was slightly irritated. Then I saw him pull into the gas station a block ahead. I decided to pull in too and let him know that wasn't very cool. Well it just so happens that as he was pulling into the gas station, he honked at someone else because their door was opened and he couldn't get by (FYI: he could get by.) Thankfully some other patrons saw him being a punk too.

So I pulled my sissy bike up behind his car and waited for him to get out. But when he did, a significant amount of my bravery evaporated. I realized maybe I bit off more than I could chew. It was a punk teenager with six earrings and an attitude. He looked grumpy and mean. I said "Why were you honking at me?" He said in a mega-sassy voice "Cause you were in the middle of the road!" (FYI: I wasn't in the middle of the road.)

So then I said "Oh yea? Why don't you say that to my face! I'm about to give you a five-knuckle introduction. I'll put a bump on your head big enough to have an umbilical cord!"

Disclaimer: I did say the previous sentence to him. In my head.

The other people who saw him honking chimed in, nearly matching the punk's sassy voice and said to him "The world doesn't revolve around you!" Then a bunch of 4-letter words started flying and I figured that was my cue to leave.

I'm sure he was scared to death when he saw me. My enormous muscles intimidate most people. I'm guessing this will be the last time he messes with someone who looks this terrifying:

Thursday, August 12, 2010

I Hate Alarm Clocks

If there's one thing I hate it's the alarm clock. And getting my blood drawn. Okay, if there are two things I hate, they are alarm clocks and getting my blood drawn. Well, and cats. And slow drivers in the fast lane. And seafood. And Fran Drescher's laugh. I hate all of those things too. But I digress.

I hate alarm clocks. Alarm clocks are so, what's the word, inhumaine. I desperately wish that the rising sun could be my alarm clock instead of my current alarm clock which sounds like a car horn honking in my ear canal. Actually it sounds like the horn of a semi truck. Grrr, it really bothers me when semi trucks drive in the fast lane. But I digress.

The only possible way that an alarm clock could be more obnoxious was if the alarm sounded like Fran Drescher's laugh. Have you ever watched her show The Nanny? Me neither. 30 seconds of listening to her is all it takes before you start looking for a knife to cut your ears off. But I digress.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Woman Behind The Wheel

We have semi-frequent automobile "incidents" at my house.

We have a two-car garage. But with our storage boxes, kids bikes, yard tools, and other useless stuff we'll use someday never, our two-car garage has held two cars exactly zero times. In a show of respect for the female gender, my car has held the permanent parking spot in the garage exactly.....zero times. My sweet wife's vehicle is always there.

But, instead of parking in the street, sometimes I park in the driveway. I only park there when I expect that I will be leaving before Mel. But this decision has proven costly. Literally. You see, my sweet wife has somehow managed to back her car into my car. Not once! Not twice!


I ain't kidding you. My wife has backed into my car....three times. For the life of me, I still don't comprehend how she missed the fact that my car was parked right behind hers.

I know what all you females are going to say. "Well, why did you park your car there?" And my response is "Isn't that what the rear view mirror is for? It is my driveway just as much as it's hers." Really, how can you miss a half ton piece of metal on wheels? (Disclaimer: I have no idea what the actual weight of my car is.) And never once did I say "If you would just let me park in the garage, this would have never happened." Surely my compassion deserves at least one pat on the back.

The hood of my car has a peculiar little hump on it. So everytime I struggle to open or shut the hood which has been deformed due to this abuse, I smile and think of my sweet (and sometimes oblivious) wife.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

The Life Of A Dad

This is easily the funniest video I've seen in a while. It perfectly describes what it's like to be a dad. Trust me: this is three minutes well-spent. This. Is. My. Life.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Don't Look In The Medicine Cabinet

This past weekend we went to a family reunion high in the Uinta mountains. My father-in-law has friends who owns a cabin there and they were gracious enough to let lots of people stay there for three days.

There are many things to fear being secluded in the mountains. For example:
  • Crazy drunkards shooting firecrackers (or pistols?) at midnight
  • Roasted marshmallow smothering your daughter's hair
  • Children so grumpy that they make bears look friendly
We encountered each of these. But none of these terrors were as frightening as what we found in the medicine cabinet of the cabin. One unsuspecting family member opened the cabinet and found THIS!

Yep. A set of pearly white dentures sitting inside a mayonnaise bottle. I have no further commentary. I will be in the bathroom trying to keep myself from throwing up.