Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Effective Weight Loss Plan

Boy, have I got a weight loss plan for you!

It's called "Seasonal Allergies".

The method is actually very simple. All you have to do is breathe between the months of March and October. Just breathe! All that pollen, cotton, and ragweed infest your helpless body. Then your eyes start to water as if you just poured battery acid on them. And your nose starts to run like a fire hose. Between the constant nose-blowing and eye-watering, massive amounts of water will leave your body and the pounds will melt away.

Unfortunately I have become a professional in the art of allergy suffering. A large portion of our monthly net income goes toward Kleenex. The area under my nose is raw from its frequent encounters with tissue. When I talk, it sounds like I have Silly Putty packed up my nose.

A few days ago my son confided in Mel that he thought she should make my favorite dessert for me because I was looking sad - because I was crying. I told him later that the tears were from my eyes watering. But......I thought it was still a good idea for Mel to make my favorite dessert. That seems like a good strategy for combating the allergy-induced weight loss.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Don't Pick Your Nose At Walmart

I visited the Walmart Vision Center yesterday to select among the finest eyeware my special pair of $30 glasses. I've always enjoyed shopping as much as a pencil jabbed into the ear canal, so I spent a few minutes to choose some frames that looked okay, and then I was ready to go.

If I had only known what my eyes were about to behold.

I sat at the desk across from the optician while she typed in my order. Then a guy walked up to the cash register to pay for some contacts. This man wasn't exactly what you'd call a "Babe Magnet", (trust me, it takes one to know one. Babe magnet...I'm not.)

Then in plain view, before God and lots of other Walmart shoppers, he inserted his pinky finger into his nose. And then began digging around like he was searching for lost treasure. His finger was inside his nose for an obscenely long time.

Then....he pulled his finger out. Looked at it. And apparently didn't see what he was hoping to find. So back again went the pinky finger! I ain't kidding you.

This time it plunged deeper. I was waiting for his nuckle to disappear inside his nostril. I wondered if he was trying to scratch his brain stem.

But what made me nearly toss my lunch was realizing that those are the kind of fingers that touch the buttons on the credit card machine right before I do.

One more brain scratching and they would have needed to call over the intercom "Can we get a clean-up in the Vision Center? Cory Reese barfed all over the floor. Bring a mop for this one."

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Life Is A Verb

I must tell you about a fantastic book I just finished reading: Life Is A Verb by Patti Digh.

Click on the cover for a link to Amazon. The subtitle of the book is: 37 Days To Wake Up, Be Mindful, And Life Intentionally. I loved the daily suggestions, actions, and things to be more aware of. So many of them applied to me. Digh's stories are entertaining and just plain funny. Just a few tidbits I liked:
  • Use the fancy china. Being alive is the special occasion.
  • Everyday at lunch ask yourself "Am I becoming someone I respect?" If the answer is no, you still have the rest of the day to change it to yes by the actions you take or don't take.
  • Pick someone you see during the day and be an angel to them in some way. (Give a complement, feed a parking meter, go the extra mile.)
“Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does.” William James

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Don't Kiss Me

In one week from today I will be running the Ogden Marathon. I'm really excited. But also a little nervous and apprehensive.

You see, marathon training is involved. It's time-consuming. Over the last seven months of training, my chicken legs have carried me hundreds of miles. To prove just how dedicated I've been to training for my second marathon, I've often given up one of the most important things to me: sleep.

No matter how much training I do, the fact is that running 26.2 miles is going to be hard. It just is. And I need every little advantage I can get in my quest for the finish line. One of the advantages I need is to be healthy.

Which is why, for the next week, I've adopted a No-Kissing Policy. I ain't gonna swap germs with nobody. No wife. No kids. No senior citizen who may try to sneak up on me for a smooch at work.

Let's face it: Any time you kiss a child who is in elementary school, you put yourself at risk for contracting swine flu, sore throat, malaria, or sudden temper tantrums for absolutely no reason.

After I cross that finish line, I'll be more than happy to pucker up for the family. But until then, you keep your germs and I'll keep mine.