Dear McDonalds

Dear Driver On The Freeway: Both lanes are not created equal. The left lane is the FAST lane. The right lane is the SLOW lane. When you are going 20 mph UNDER the speed limit, you should NOT be driving in the left lane.

Dear McDonalds: I’d appreciate if you would stop making Big Macs taste so delicious. My self-control isn’t strong enough to maintain the temptation of your artery-clogging goodness.

Dear Alarm Clock: I hate you. I want to find your heartless inventor and scratch his eyes out with a rusty fork.

Dear Lady Who Works With My Wife Who Made Us Chocolate-Covered Toffee: This is possibly the best food I have ever ingested. I don’t even know who you are. So I hope it’s not inappropriate to say…..I love you. I’d be willing to make a trade for more of your toffee: A photo shoot. Some CDs. One of my children. You just name the price.