Rules For Airplanes

Recently I've had the opportunity to spend some time on airplanes. This activity, in and of itself, is not an enjoyable experience. The idea of spending many hours breathing musty recycled air, cramped in a little seat, sitting next to people who are trespassing into my personal bubble, while speeding through the clouds miles above the earth - it's just not my idea of a good time.

But you know what makes flying worse? People. Every single little idiosyncracy of a person drives me CRAZY when I'm sitting on an airplane. So I have a few requests for fellow passengers next time I fly:

1) Please, please keep your yapper shut. There is nothing worse than a loud talker on an airplane. I DON'T want to hear about your Aunt Hazel. I DON'T want to hear about your dinner group last night. I DON'T want to hear about getting your carpet cleaned. And neither does anybody else sitting nine rows ahead or behind you who is hearing your conversation also. So zip it.

2) Is a little pre-flight deodorant too much to ask?

3) You know the arm rest? Well - don't cross it. Or you might pull back a bloody stump. Alright, maybe that's a bit too harsh. I just don't want to feel your arm hair rubbing against my arm hair. Okay?

4) No loud snoring. Or I'll swat your Adam's Apple with a spoon.

Kangaroos Are Funny (And Mean)

I came across the funniest story on Runners World Daily. Apparently a runner in Australia was knocked unconscious by a grumpy Kangaroo. It is a sobering mental image. The following video must be a taste of what the runner former runner likely experienced.

This short clip made me bawl. I was sobbing with laughter. Mel actually got out of bed to come and see why I was laughing hysterically. I haven't laughed this hard, to the point of hyperventilating, since I watched The Money Pit for the first time when the bathtub crashed through the floor.

Note to self: Avoid kangaroos while running.

No Cat Policy

Mel and I have been very clear with the children: NO CATS. Never. Ever. Ever. I have no apologies about my disdain of cats.

Unfortunately over the last few weeks we have been put into a position of enforcing the strict No-Cat-Policy.

Over the last month, a mystery cat has been hanging out in our yard WAY too often. The cat's name is Kiwi. You can ask every single kid in the neighborhood. They don't know how the cat got it's name. But there is absolutely no doubt: they all know his (or her?) name is Kiwi.

One day I caught Kylee trying to lure Kiwi into our house by sprinkling grass from the porch through our front door. "Sorry honey, we have a No-Cat-Policy at our house."

Another day I caught Danica feeding Kiwi some bread. With a panicked tone in my voice I said "No - don't feed the cat! It will never leave! And we have a No-Cat-Policy at our house."

That night it was starting to get dark and we told the kids to come inside and get ready for bed. Danica had a complete and utter melt down. She started sobbing uncontrollably. We asked what was wrong. After a minute she was able to say through her wimpering that she was sad because Kiwi didn't have a place to stay and it was cold and dark outside.

This was the ultimate gauntlet - the true and supreme test. Putting aside the possibility that Danica would consider her parents grumpy ogres for the rest of her life, we stood strong on the No-Cat-Policy.

Kiwi is still in our yard WAY too often begging to be adopted. Sadly, Kiwi has not received the memo about our No-Cat-Policy.

Why I Hate Airplanes

On our recent trip to Hawaii, we had the opportunity to spend one day in Portland, Oregon, courtesy of Delta Airlines.

Normally, Portland would be great. It's a beautiful city! But when you are supposed to be in Hawaii, Portland isn't so cool.

I HATE airplanes. I hate them. They scare me. So as we were flying from Portland to Honolulu, I was already jittery and anxious. But then after a half hour in the air it felt like the plane was spinning around. I saw the sunset out our window, but minutes before I could see it out the window of the other side of the plane.


I got even more jittery. In a panicked voice I said to Mel "We are turning around. We are turning around!" She tried to calm my fears and basically said to chill out.

Five minutes later the pilot came over the intercom and said that one of the two hydraulic engines went out so we were returning to Portland. I became a nervous, quivering ball of panic. My heart felt like it was going to pump out of my ribcage.

But what REALLY freaked me out is what we saw as we approached the airport. I saw a line of firetrucks speeding down the road. As we finally reached the runway we saw that it was lined with firetrucks and ambulances. Ugh.

After waiting for a while in the terminal, they said they didn't have the part they needed. So they were going to fly it in from Minneapolis, Minnesota!!! That would take a few hours, then the repair would take a few hours, so they thought we'd be departing by 1:00 am (6 hours later). But Delta was compassionate enough to give everyone a $7 meal voucher.

FYI: $7 in an airport will buy a bottle of Coke.

But wait....it gets better!!! We were exhausted and tried to get a little sleep on an airport bench as all the other happy passengers walked by.


4 (FOUR!!!!) hours later they cancelled the flight and told us they would try to reschedule for the next day. We waited in another ridiculously long line to get a hotel voucher. Mel could hardly contain her excitement.

So this is how our 7-day vacation in Hawaii turned into a 1-day in Portland / 6-day Hawaii vacation. It will be a long time before I get on another airplane. Or go to Portland.

Our Trip To Hawaii

Almost two years ago our friends Darin and Shelly asked if we wanted to go to Oahu and stay in their time share with them. We were also joined by friends Josh and Jess and we had a blast. So here are a few of the highlights from our trip to......


The trip started a bit rough. We had a layover in Portland before heading to Hawaii. This is the view from inside our plane. The problem is that we weren't supposed to be seeing the sunset from our side of the plane. The sunset was on the other side of the plane.

So why exactly do we have a picture of the sunset? Well, because we got this view as we were flying BACK to Portland after the plane started having technical difficulties. I'll tell you the whole story in a few days, but the short version: instead of spending seven days in Hawaii, we spent one day in Portland and six days in Hawaii.


Here is the gaggle of Utahns who eventually found our way to Hawaii (Josh, Jess, Darin, Shelly, Mel, and me). I made a concerted effort to make a cheesy "hang loose" sign whenever a camera was around. This picture was before we played in the ocean I got lots of sand in my swimsuit and drank at least two gallons of the ocean.


One of my favorite activities was hiking to the top of Diamond Head, an extinct volcano. We had an amazing view of Honolulu. But it was very, very windy at the top. It's a good thing I don't wear a toupee - it would have been long gone.


This is the same face I make when I ask Mel if I have a piece of broccoli caught in my teeth:


We took a catamaran boat ride around Honolulu. There were a bunch of spinner dolphins that would leap into the sky and do their thing. I am certain they would not have had this much energy if they had taken Dramamine like we did before the boat trip. Just thinking about Dramamine makes me start snoring.


Here's our view from the boat. I ate some absolutely delicious pulled pork for lunch right before our boat ride. We figured that we would probably get sea sick and upchuck, so we wanted to make sure we ate something that would taste as good coming up as it did going down. Miraculously nobody tossed their cookies. Too bad for me. I was looking forward to tasting that pulled pork again.


Toward the end of the trip, us boys had obviously spent too much time together. We jumped at the opportunity to re-enact this memorable scene from Titanic:


A trip to Oahu wouldn't be complete without a visit to Pearl Harbor. It was quite an experience to see oil still bubbling to the top of the water from the sunk USS Arizona. I was mesmerized by the flag flying above the memorial. I wanted to get a hard-hitting black & white shot of the sun shining through the flag. It took a few tries but I finally got what I was looking for:


The other requirement to go to Hawaii is that you need to go to a luau. Mission accomplished. These guys who spin flaming sticks made me nervous. I was worried that at any moment they would make a false move and their hair would become an instant bonfire.


Since returning from Hawaii, I've tried to be a better person. I've tried to keep the commandments. I've tried to do better at following God. Because I am positive that there will be a Matsumoto's on every corner in heaven.

Matsumoto's has the best shaved ice ever bestowed to man. It was worth waiting in the long line to get my hands on this divine goodness.


We only saw one major rain storm during our trip. It just happened to begin in the middle of our hike to Wiamea Falls. We tried staying dry under some trees, to no avail. It was the kind of downpour where you think "Are you KIDDING me?!?" But the view at the end was worth the drenching.


A side feature of Wiamea Falls was an abundance of peacocks. Darin started taunting one of them, and I prayed with every fiber of my being that the peacock would reach down and snap his fingernail off. Now THAT would have been funny (aside from the blood, gore, and crying like a schoolgirl.)


The sunsets each night were almost beyond description. It was such an awesome experience to see a postcard happening right before our eyes.


We made the customary stop at the Dole pineapple plantation. If you ever questioned how much I love pineapple, behold this picture. I look like a proud father with his newborn child (who happens to be acidic with a sharp green stem).


On our way to the Polynesian Cultural Center, we stopped at the LDS temple. I love this picture of Mel. She looks so happy. (Or is that jet lag?)


On our final night in Hawaii we headed to the beach to see one last sunset. I fell in love with this little pond of water next to the ocean where you could see a reflection of the sky. This was one of those rare moments as a photographer when you know you are seeing something special and I wanted it to never end.


Our trip to Hawaii was an experience I will never forget. Mel and I had so much fun spending time with friends and with each other. I'm thankful that our travels were safe and that nobody lost any fingernails to angry peacocks. (To see a few more of our pictures click HERE.)

And The Winner Is.....

Life has been NUTZ since returning from Hawaii (sweet pictures coming soon), hence the late announcement on the contest winner. I'd like to blame my fatigue on jet lag. But in actuality, the likely cause is staying up too late to watch Jazz games.

But I digress.

And the winner (verified by my six year old who drew the name) of the three autographed CDs and a scrumptious box of chocolate-covered macadamia nuts is.....

TONYA! Congrats! If I ever had a cat (which will be, um, never), I would certainly teach him to give you a high five.

Free Giveaway!!!

Tomorrow we are heading to Hawaii for a week. I will raise my right arm to the square and vow to eat a ridiculous amount of macadamia nuts and pineapple. I have done something wrong if I don't go to bed sick every night.

So while I'm gone, I'd like to offer a free music giveaway. Up for grabs: An autographed copy of the piano CDs "Believe", "You Will Soar", and "Witness". AND....I'll throw in a box of authentic Hawaii macadamia nuts!!!

So how do you win? Post a comment saying what was your favorite vacation. Every comment gives you an entry into the drawing which will be held on March 15th. I hope you like macadamia nuts as much as I do!

101 Things

1. I desperately want to go to a Cubs game at Wrigley Field.
2. I have a rock collection.
3. I hate airplanes.
4. My kids have complained that I take too many pictures of them.
5. My library card is used often. I’m usually reading 3-4 books at any given time.
6. My heart is broken every year by the Utah Jazz.
7. I’ve met George Bush (the old one) and Gordon B. Hinckley.
8. Our shih tzu is morbidly obese.
9. Almost all politicians make my blood boil.
10. Church makes me sleepy.
11. I enjoy Letterman, Survivor, and The Office.
12. I am proud of being frugal and thrifty.
13. I’ve never met a kind of candy I didn’t like.
14. Except for the color, my hair resembles a Chia Pet.
15. My car traps odors. You can smell a Big Mac for a week.
16. I have a sweet tooth that would put Willy Wonka to shame.
17. I have never seen any Star Wars, Rocky, or Harry Potter movies.
18. I think the name “Herb” is funny. I wouldn’t mind having that as my nickname.
19. The scent of seafood makes me want to upchuck.
20. While I respect their abilities, I don’t enjoy music by Celine Dion, Whitney Houston, Pat Benetar, Gloria Estefan, or Santana.
21. Dentists were created by the devil.
22. I have no doubt that I could eat my weight in pumpkin pie.
23. We bought three planter boxes and planted basil and cilantro.
24. I would love to be the director of a Gospel choir in the Deep South. Not that I can sing. Nor have I ever directed a choir.
25. Once I sprained my ankle and instinctively said words I shouldn’t have said in front of people I shouldn’t have said them.
26. Is it a requirement for figure skaters to wear sequins? How depressing. If I’m ever having a bad day at work, I will remind myself “At least you don’t have to wear sequins.”
27. Sometimes life seems like a quest to feel needed and appreciated.
28. I wish my car had sirens I could turn on when someone is driving really slow in the fast lane.
29. My children can recite lines from Napoleon Dynamite.
30. I can recite lines from Napoleon Dynamite.
31. One of my biggest fears is getting old.
32. I married a patient, forgiving, selfless, compassionate person.
33. I have a firm belief that Cream of Mushroom Soup is over-used in the culinary world which is a shame because it’s pretty yucky.
34. I haven’t ever tried alcohol, cigarettes, or heroin.
35. I am very picky when it comes to buying shoes.
36. I have never, and will never own a cat.
37. I like to listen to ESPN Radio on my way to work.
38. I can be bribed to do anything with cupcakes.
39. My wife often forgets to change the lint trap on the clothes dryer. So when I change it, it looks like a kitchen rug.
40. OneRepublic makes some incredible music.
41. I take a daily multi-vitamin, Glucosamine, a baby Aspirin, and fish oil capsules.
42. I’m trying to be like Jesus. Sometimes the closest I get is owning a pair of sandles.
43. Now that I have run a marathon, I believe I can accomplish anything I put my mind to.
44. I am stubborn.
45. When I was younger, my brother and I would sneak out of the house at night, ride our bikes to the grocery store, and buy ice cream.
46. I get predictably grumpy when I am tired.
47. The temperature in my office varies between Sauna and Meat Locker. I prefer Meat Locker.
48. When I die, I don’t want to have a funeral. I want everyone to have a party and have fun and laugh and eat lots of junk food. And possibly hire a stand-up comedian for one of the speakers.
49. I learned from experience that my car isn’t built to drive up snow-covered hills.
50. I kind of like the Buttered Popcorn flavored Jelly Belly Beans.
51. I think my wife Melanie is a babe.
52. With my life, I am much more interested in quality than quantity.
53. A mouse lost it’s life in my desk drawer at work. It was grrrrrrross.
54. I like to surround myself with people who have a good sense of humor and don’t take things too seriously.
55. I feel guilty when I drink regular soda instead of diet.
56. I have never broken a bone.
57. My brother and sister are ambitious.
58. I wish I could play the cello. I’d listen to myself all day and never leave the house.
59. I wish I could make rolls as good as elementary school cafeterias.
60. I have LOTS of female in-laws that live close by. There is nothing worse than hearing about certain times of the month.
61. I am an eternal optimist.
62. I once got my mouth washed out with soap for calling my brother stupid.
63. I’m sorry I called you stupid. You are much, much smarter than me.
64. Note to self: Ivory Soap doesn’t taste nearly as good as it smells.
65. I am a photography nerd.
66. Among the phone numbers I have saved in my phone: Domino’s Pizza, Café Rio, and the Piano Gallery.
67. My chemistry teacher in high school drank more Mountain Dew than should be legal for a human being to consume.
68. The people I work with are very, very smart.
69. Kids + pouring a gallon of milk on cereal = recipe for disaster.
70. Mel wishes I didn’t buy some of my clothes at the DI.
71. A rain storm is the best smell in the whole world.
72. I admire people who are humble, thankful, giving, and appreciative.
73. Banana bread, pumpkin pie shakes, and toffee are scrumptious.
74. I am positive that I was a first grade teacher in my past life. I LOVE going to help at the elementary school.
75. Our dog likes to tip over garbage cans and make a big mess of the garbage. He is lucky to be alive.
76. Sleep apnea makes me stop breathing a couple hundred times a night so I’ve slept with a CPAP for seven years. I loathe my CPAP.
77. Anyone with sleep apnea needs their spouse to make baked goods including cake and pie at least once per week.
78. As a kid, I liked Alf, Silver Spoons, The Wonder Years, Mr. Belvedere, Small Wonder, and Charles In Charge.
79. I survived two winters in Wyoming. (I’ll pause a moment and let you finish your applause.)
80. In my high school anatomy class we dissected a cat. A cat!
81. Running is contagious.
82. I nearly needed a clean pair of britches a few years ago during a particularly bumpy flight into St. George. If friends weren’t with me, I would have kissed the ground when we finally landed.
83. Without my contacts in, I am as blind as an NBA referee.
84. It bothers me when my girls listen to music from Mama Mia. This is the reason ear plugs were invented.
85. I have an in-law who likes to use the phrase “Quite frankly…” to begin many sentences. Quite frankly, it always brings a smile to my face.
86. My sassy and funny sister-in-law Rachel uses the phrase “Y’ain’t” which is always very funny. I’m going to try to use that in my vocabulary more often. “Kids – y’ain’t gonna get none of my Mike & Ike’s so stop asking!”
87. Why don’t children understand the concept of sleeping in?
88. My wife thrives on telling me gross things that she does while working as a nurse at the hospital.
89. I wouldn’t mind being Nacho Libre.
90. I eat four pieces of toast for breakfast on my way to work.
91. My knees often don’t cooperate.
92. Maybe it’s because I eat four pieces of toast everyday for breakfast.
93. I don’t understand the appeal of CSI, vampire movies, or Red Lobster.
94. Beagles have a loud, and very funny bark.
95. My memory leaves a lot to be desired.
96. Sometimes I have a problem with laughing during the prayer.
97. Getting a root canal is the next closest thing to being struck by lightning.
98. Mel’s family is so tight-knit that they sometimes discuss their bowel movements with each other.
99. I firmly believe that figure skating would be so much more enjoyable to watch if everyone wasn’t wearing sequins.
100. Honestly, what is the budget for sequins for the Winter Olympics? Every business has slow times and busy times. This is a busy time for sequin-makers.
101. I think if I let my hair grow out, it would look like I French-kissed a light socket.

I'm A Fan Of Pickles

Special thanks to Rachel to alerted me to This Story. Apparently there is a Facebook fan page that set out to see if a pickle could get more fans than the band Nickelback. Yep. Just an average household pickle. I'm happy to report that the goal has been accomplished. And I am now one member of the 1,517,008 (!!!) people who like pickles more than Nickelback.

Apparently the idea stemmed from a Facebook page which was successful in getting more fans of onion rings than singer Justin Bieber.

Now. That. Is. Funny.

Incidentally, I'd probably rather have ringworm than listen to Nickelback.

Living Without Hands

I came across a few pictures from a trip we made to Hawaii a few years ago. One of the most amazing things I saw in Hawaii was at the airport as we were preparing to fly home.

I stopped in one of the airport stores to buy some candy to get me through the long flight. When I got to the checkout counter, I noticed that the cashier was shorter than my child. And then I handed her my candy bars. Immediately I saw that she had no hands. And yet it wasn’t a setback for her at all!

She scanned the candy, took my credit card, swiped it, punched in a few numbers, then handed me my card and the candy. I was mesmerized. She was able to do her job just as quickly and efficiently as someone with two hands could do.

But the thing that stood out to me most was her smile. She was so happy! What seemed to me like a limitation was no limitation for her. She wasn't whining about her challenges or her hard lot in life. She was beaming with joy.

I left the store and walked ten minutes to our terminal. But I couldn’t get this person out of my mind. Our flight was leaving soon, but I didn’t want to forget this amazing lady. I decided to run back to the store. I told her that I was inspired by what she was doing and asked if I could take her picture. Without hesitation she said yes. It’s easy to see the happiness pouring out of her.

I hope I can be more like this lady. I want to turn my weaknesses into strengths. I want to work hard for the things I believe in. I don’t want ANYTHING to hold me back. I want to complain less and smile more. I want to BE happiness.

What Does Love Look Like?

I have something to show you. Grab the box of Kleenex. Seriously.

This video is of Team Hoyt - a father and son team who have completed 67 (67!!) marathons and 6 (6!!) Ironman Triathlons.

The amazing part is that the son has cerebral palsy and has been pushed/pulled by his dad (who is almost 70 years old!) for every single race.

This gave me a greater respect for the ideas of love, parenthood, dedication, and triumph. I hope it will do the same for you. Enjoy!

I Love My Bed

I am in love with my bed. I am thankful for it. I appreciate it so much. Because I vividly remember the days when I didn’t have one.

Many moons ago I got accepted into graduate school at the University of Wyoming. Mel and I packed our meager belongings and U-Hauled ourselves up to the land of snow and wind. One item that was noticibly absent in the U-Haul was a bed.

We lived on the top floor of a run-down apartment building that looked like it was built during the Civil War. We developed some serious calf muscles by walking up or down three flights of stairs whenever we went anywhere. The place was so run-down that even rats considered it inhospitable.



But it was cheap. And graduate school was expensive. We tried to save a penny however we could. Buying a bed certainly wasn’t in our poor-college-student budget.

But an air mattress was.

So we slept on this air mattress for half a year. Nothing says comfort like coming home from a long day of work and school to lay down on a puffy air mattress (or sit in the disgusting chair we bought at the Salvation Army).

We had this pump that we (I) would use to inflate the mattress every night before bed. Then, after a few hours, the mattress would start to deflate. And we would slowly be rolled to the middle of the "bed". Over the course of the night, air magically escaped the mattress so that we were barely off the ground by morning (if we were lucky).



And the back aches? Holy Sweet Mother. The back aches! By the time we woke up, our backs felt like they had been pounced on by Kareem Abdul Jabbar.

Despite the sleeping challenges, our time in Wyoming was amazing. If I could go back in time, I wouldn’t change a thing. And it will come as no surprise that the first thing we bought when we moved back to Utah was…..a bed.

Dumb Decision Of The Day

I believe I made a mistake yesterday. Generally I try to be rational. If at all possible, I prefer to involve my brain in decision-making. But for some reason my brain didn't kick in during the moment when I decided what to eat for lunch. The mistake:

Pork Chile Verde. From. The. Hospital. Cafeteria.

All together now....join your collective voices....."No Duh!! Did you honestly think that would be a good idea?!?" In retrospect, this decision seems absolutely absurd. You just shouldn't get pork chile verde. From the hospital cafeteria.

In my defense, my co-workers and I often get lunch from the hospital cafeteria. We get a discount so it's cheap. And the food is usually okay. And it's cheap.

But pork chile verde over rice? That's crossing the line. I felt queezy for the rest of the day. And for the life of me - I could not get that taste out of my mouth. It took up residence on my taste buds for hours. I was popping sticks of gum like a fiend. But it was useless.

You know those decisions which you end up regretting for a long time? Yea. This was one of those decisions.

Crayola Song

I came across this video on another blog and thought I'd share. It's kind of a catchy little ditty. But I think the main reason I like it is because I'm just a sucker when it comes to kids. And there are some cute kids here. See what you think.

Red Cliffs Reflection Pictures

My brother-in-law Matt, Jackson, and I went on a little hike in the Red Cliffs Desert Reserve a few days ago. We came upon these pools of water showing AMAZING reflections of the red rock behind them.

It was potentially one of the best photo opportunities I've stumbled upon. And I cursed my existance. Because my good camera is currently in the shop getting a $220 repair!!! Aaarrrgghhhhhhh! I wanted to sob. Fortunately I at least had my little camera.

I like this picture with Jackson's reflection in the water. I will definitely visit here again after a rain storm. And after my camera is done getting a make-over.