Monday, June 16, 2008

Spiking the Air Compressor

I’m fortunate to have funny brother-in-laws that live close by. I laughed a few days ago hearing the story of how Cody got so upset that he spiked a blender on the floor. I’m talking the Sweet!-I-Just-Scored-A-Touchdown- I’m-Going-To-Slam-This-Ball-To-The-Field spike. I would have paid good money to see that. That story was followed by one about Matt who got so mad that he spiked a hammer to the ground.

All this talk of spiking got me to thinking about what I would like to spike. It took less than a second to think of what I would absolutely love to slam to the floor… CPAP. See, I have sleep apnea and stop breathing a couple hundred times a night so I get to sleep with a mask wrapped around my head, connected to a long hose that is connected to a CPAP. For the medically uneducated, a CPAP is basically an air compressor that forces, well, air up your nose so hard that your eyes spin inside their sockets. The funny thing is that once you’re all hooked up to this contraption, you’re supposed to sleep! Funny.

I hate this machine more than anything in my entire life. Hate is not a strong enough word. It is evil incarnate. Maybe you’re thinking “Well, if you hate it so much, why don’t you just spike it?” Trust me; I wonder the same thing at least 32 times a night. Really, there are only two things keeping me from going Joe Montana on the CPAP. 1) Apparently this thing is keeping my heart from completely deteriorating, and preventing me from stopping that important thing called breathing when I’m asleep. 2) This evil excuse for a lifesaver costs a few thousand. If it weren’t for those two things, that machine would be shattered on the floor so fast it would make your head (and your eyeballs) spin.

I’m not saying it will never happen. Some night I might just crack. Then I’d be in trouble for wasting a few thousand dollars and I’d have to sleep on the couch. At least it wouldn’t be with a CPAP.

1 comment:

Reese Gang said...

You forgot to mention the high pitched whistling sound that your CPAP makes, leaving your wife to resort to sleeping with ear plugs and pillows over her head.